WOTY Wednesdays! – 20 Jan

This week’s WOTY Wednesday is going to be different from last week’s, as I have started to turn towards the internal.  My health and physical being have drawn my attention quite staunchly, this week, and as such, I wasn’t focused so much on objects to get rid of.  Having the lichen planus has caused me to stop taking one of my medications in a way that is not wise, and I am paying the price.

I continued to sort the objects in my drawers, even though I stated I needed to wait.  I limited myself to the fine liners and pens that I have been gathering, sorting the actual art ones (Sakura microns, my magic wand [carbon pen] and some brush pens from Art Snacks) from the cheapie colored felt tip pens.  This allowed me to recognize the need for a zipper bag dedicated to just them, thus clearing a drawer in the tower closest to me.

Granted, none of that means shit as the main source of my suffocation comes from the strangulation of my desk.  Self-shaming:

Now, that is bad, I know.  There was a time, really not that long ago, that this type of cocooning, this ferreting behavior, was extremely soothing to me.  Feeling surrounded by “things” I enjoyed, on some level, served to protect me.  From what?  Vulnerability.  Exposure.  I was feeling both of these things, very painfully.

My desk, so cluttered you can’t even see the top, is something I am rather proud of.  At the end of the year, I was struggling with needing to be organized, feeling unable to resolve that and feeling helpless for a place to begin.   The top of my desk has become a touchstone.   I have made an exacting effort to keep an area, big enough to open my journal/ planner/ sketchbook flat, clean and clutter free.  Doing this for roughly six weeks, has transferred to other aspects of my life, where I struggle with clutter and cleaning.

Saturday night, we had overnight guests.  This awoke the inner eleven year girl, excited to have the perfect snacks, the perfect dinner, all the right art supplies, the lighting is perfect, seating isn’t ass-numbing, omg I made carrot cake and there’s a hockey game and I’m having a sleepover!!!   whew..  settle down now.  Sunday morning, we woke earlier than we should have, letting our guests sleep, I found myself walking around, picking up all my art supplies and putting them away (I say ‘away’ to imply that I shoved them in the office relatively close to where I’d gotten them from the night before).

It’s The Little Things

This action may seem small to those who have the habit of picking up after themselves but, to those of us who are struggling with creating this habit, it’s a pretty fucking big deal.  There was no internal eye-rolling at the thought of *having* to pick up, no overwhelming dread, no bargaining with myself about how it’s “not *that* big of a deal if it stays on the table for a while, no one is using the table anyway.”  I just picked it up because I wanted the room to look nice again, and in that moment, I decided I would give some of the supplies we used, to our guest.  Ones that I realized, while they were using, that I was never going to enjoy them to the level that I knew they could/would.  Another small action of refinement and focus, for my artistic voice.

Final Thought

So, we end this WOTY Wednesday with a cleaner pen drawer, a sac o’ fineliners and a stronger feeling of focus and purpose.  I gotta say it was a good day, err week.  😀

 

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